


The Usual Crowd

by orphan_account



Series: The Usual Crowd [1]
Category: AOA | Ace of Angels, GOT7, SEVENTEEN (Band), SHINee, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Alcohol, Ambiguous Relationships, Angst, Body Shots, Crying, Making Out, Multi, Nonsense, The Author Regrets Nothing, Walk Into A Bar, absurdity, idolverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-19
Updated: 2017-01-19
Packaged: 2018-09-18 14:52:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9389888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Jaebum can’t help the laugh that hisses out of him at the thought of Suho, sprawled across Namjoon as he confessed his Big Gay Conflict of Interest.“Like I said,” Namjoon reiterates, “it’s funny. But at the time, it’s absolutely terrifying."Or, the one where there's a secret dive bar where all the leaders go to get smashed and complain.





	

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I picked on Suho because he’s my EXO bias and I love him. This started as "hm I want to read angsty Suho fic ft. Namjoon" and devolved into utter absurdity.

Namjoon passes a trifold pamphlet to Jaebum, who takes it gingerly and narrows his eyes. Namjoon presses his lips together and gives Jaebum a look that plainly says _I’m right, and you will learn this soon enough._ Jaebum doesn’t respond, it’s this new thing he’s trying - not having a temper. He peruses the pamphlet blankly, bracing himself against the cold as he trudges along beside Namjoon.

“In there’s the new hire info, as it were,” Namjoon starts, and shoots a glance at Jaebum. “I didn’t take it seriously when Hakyeon told me to, but it’s serious business.” Jaebum turns the pamphlet over in his hands. “There’s a list on the back of stuff you can’t talk about. I’ve never seen anyone _fight_ , but there’s a point where you have to weigh your curiosity against the possibility of a sunbae turning into a snotty, crying wreck all over you.” Namjoon laughs reminiscently. “Even if it’s kind of funny.”

Jaebum finds the list, crammed in small lettering on three panels. _Kris,_ reads the first item, in bold, and under it, _GD &TOP, Daesung’s accident, Kim Heechul (all), OT13, SNSD (general), The Great 2NE1 Identity Crisis of 2009. _The list goes on, classified by group, with “BTS” near the bottom, its only bullet point reading _Daenamhyup/integrity_. Jaebum lets out a snort at the extensive sub-points under “SHINee,” because the first one is _Gaynee_ and they only escalate from there.

“Are you for real?” Jaebum asks Namjoon, sarcastic incredulity in his tone, and Namjoon sighs and says, “Oh, my sweet summer child. You think it’s funny until you’re stuck there until three a.m. with Suho drunk off his tits, sobbing in your lap because EXO is _fucked up_ and Suho’s, like, gay for Kris? But in denial? I don’t know, Kris was on there before he left and he’s in bold now because we _really_ don’t want to watch Joonmyun pound quite that much vodka again for at least a month.”

Jaebum can’t help the laugh that hisses out of him at the thought of Suho, EXO’s plastic, manufactured leader, sprawled across Namjoon as he confessed his Big Gay Conflict of Interest.

“Like I said,” Namjoon reiterates, “it’s funny. But at the time, it’s absolutely terrifying. The SM people are the worst, because they’re all strung out from being _perfect_ all the time. Yes,” Namjoon answers the question on Jaebum’s lips. “Leeteuk is gay, and kind of an asshole, and no, Heechul apparently got a blanket ban on untelevised intra-band gayness after Hankyung left.” Namjoon pauses, presumably to consider the other SM groups. “Onew’s cool, plus if you really need it, he’s got, er, illicit baked goods on lock. It’s kind of an unspoken truth that SHINee’s had every permutation of sex possible in their group, up to and including foursome-or-moresomes.”

Namjoon’s casually divulging this like he’s talking about the weather, leaning in to Jaebum to speak quietly but frankly. “Ladies night is Tuesday, and the shit Jihyun talks is legendary, so it’s worth the price hike. And after you’ve had a month’s worth of ‘meetings with manager-hyung,’ you get to add your stuff to the list.”

The bar they stop outside is very low-key, almost a dive. It’s entirely unassuming, which Jaebum supposes is probably the point.

****

“Oh my god,” Jaebum finally slurs, head in Jimin-from-AOA’s lap as Onew (“Call me Jinki, please”) feeds him a cookie absently. Jimin is petting Jaebum’s hair consolingly. Directly in Jaebum’s line of sight, Taeyeon is doing a body shot off of CL-from-2NE1 and GD (“You only get to call me Jiyong if you’re planning on sucking my dick, eating my ass, or featuring on my track”) appears to have been third-wheeled by Suho and Namjoon. _The_ G-Dragon is standing awkwardly to the side, holding what are probably Namjoon’s and Suho’s drinks. (Namjoon’s and Suho’s hands are otherwise occupied.) As Jaebum squints, the world taking a bit of a crossfaded spin, GD raises first one cup, then the other, to his lips and chugs.

“Let it all out,” Jinki advises from somewhere above him, and Jimin makes an agreeing noise.

Jaebum closes his eyes again, groaning. “And when I asked Yugyeom _why_ he’d covered Jackson in toothpaste—covered!—he said _Jinyoung_ gave him _permission_ because _Jackson and Mark_ violated the no-Markson-in-the-dorm rule, which is _conveniently_ ,” Jaebum opens his mouth and accepts another bite of cookie from Jinki, “the only rule for which I have _not_ _specified a punishment_ because it wasn’t _necessary_ at the time.”

Jimin’s abs hitch a little with laughter and Jaebum makes a protesting noise. He gropes around blindly above his head for Jinki, who says, “Rookie mistake. Try living with Minho,” but scoots closer to Jaebum anyway.

“So now,” Jaebum grumbles into Jimin’s thigh, “I have to either _let it slide_ or go against _Jinyoung_ , and either way I’m fucked and it’s because Jackson is so _extra_ that he can’t stop playing gay chicken with the guy from LA for five damn minutes while I go to the gym.”

“No more,” Jinki says apologetically when Jaebum’s hand quests around for the remnants of the cookie. He lets Jaebum lick the crumbs off his fingertips like it’s an everyday occurrence.

“Life’s shit,” Jimin contributes from above him, and Jinki adds, “It could definitely be worse.”

Jaebum tries opening his eyes again, only to be greeted by the continued sight of Namjoon and Suho sucking face, so he opts for keeping them shut. “At least there aren’t lawsuits,” Jaebum concedes, Jimin’s fingernails scratching lightly at his scalp. “I’m quitting. I’m leaving and starting my own company where I don’t have to listen to Jackson whining for an hour while he tries to shower off the smell of Crest Pro Health.”

“I hear that’s the going solution,” Jinki quips. “Don’t let Junnie hear you say that. It’s on the list.”

The new kid—S. something, S. Audi? S… S. Something-having-to-do-with-cars—chooses that moment to flop down at Jaebum’s feet, hanging off the end of the couch on which he’s sprawled.

“Hey, kid,” Jimin and Jinki chorus, and Jaebum makes a vague moan of greeting.

Without preamble, S. Cars says, “Let me tell you about Seokmin.”

Jaebum resigns himself to trying to listen and falling asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Hit me up on [twitter](http://twitter.com/slowlorisvevo) or [tumblr](http://rapjoonhyung.tumblr.com)
> 
> ETA: The lovely faithful_lie is currently working on fanart of the scene where GD drinks away his shame, and it can be found [on her tumblr!](http://queenofshittydescriptions.tumblr.com/post/156605668410/wip-gd-namjoon-and-suho-from-prandcocaines-the) I'm moving on up in the world, guys, people are making art of my work and it's so good I'm just dafgjhsjkl


End file.
